SCENE ONE: 1665, Quonochontaug RI

THOMAS STANTON, ANN LORD STANTON, GRANDMA LORD and KIDS walk onstage. “REALTOR TO THE COLONISTS” HERMON GARRETT leads them.

HERMON GARRET

And here it is! Beautiful Extended Deserted Place Of Two Long Ponds In Succession!

GRANDMA LORD

This is beautiful?

ANN LORD STANTON

It’s definitely deserted! Children, stay where Mummy and Grandmother can see you.

THOMAS STANTON

Can you give us the Native translation, Mr. Garret?

HERMON GARRET

You can call me Wequash, Mr. Stanton. That’s my Niantic Tribe name.

GRANDMA LORD

Why do you use an English name as well as your Native name, Mr. Garret?

HERMON GARRET

I always felt more like a Hermon Garret than a Wequash, you know? Anyway, some tribes call this area Quonochontaug. Some prefer the younger, hipper sounding NeeKeeQuaWeeSee.

GRANDMA LORD

Such a long name. My grandchildren will be grown up before they finish saying it.

HERMON GARRET

A long name, but a low price! If you purchase Quonochontaug, you can change the name.

GRANDMA LORD

How do you spell that?

HERMON GARRET

I don’t spell. I sell!

THOMAS STANTON

So “Kahn-o-kahn-tawg” means Beautiful Extended Deserted Place of Two Long Ponds In Succession?

HERMON GARRET

Sort of. KWON-o-kon-tog. “Qunnuhqui” means tall and “tugk” means tree, Tall Tree. There are tall trees over yonder, behind the ponds. There’s a lot going on in this little area, hence the name.

THOMAS STANTON

Tall Tree. As in, it would take many tall trees to provide paper to write down the name of this place! (Everyone laughs)

HERMON GARRET

That is a funny joke, Mr. Stanton! I give a discount to humorous white settlers. Everyone is welcome in Quonochontaug, whatever draws them here. The two long ponds, the tall trees, the wide open space.

STANTON KID

FATHER! I see fish in the water! (Whoops and yells)

HERMON GARRET

And . . My people call this The Place Of The Black Fish, as well.

GRANDMA LORD

Let’s just call it Black Fish Place.

ANN LORD STANTON

I like Black Fish Estates. Or Southeasterly.

GRANDMA LORD

I vote for New Black Fish Grove!

HERMON GARRET

You can call it home sweet home if you’ll just sign right here! It’s a great deal.

THOMAS STANTON

KAHN-o-KAHN-tug?

HERMON GARRET

KWON-o-kwon-tog.

THOMAS STANTON

Besides the long name, Wequash, what else is there to recommend. . . . (He pauses, not sure if he can say the name again)

HERMON

KWON-o-kwon-tog.

STANTON

What you said.

HERMON GARRET

You can call me Cushawash, that’s my other Native name. Quonochontaug has lovely tidal pools teeming with fish. Generations of my people have come here to fish and farm. The land is flat and low, but quickly rises into tall rocky hills from which you can see the ocean.

GRANDMA LORD

It is lovely here, Wequash — uh, Cushawash. I must ask, does the property come with beach rights?

HERMON GARRET

Of course, Mrs. Lord. Why would anyone sell you property at Quonochontaug and not give you beach rights?

THOMAS STANTON

Just think of it, Ann! We’ll have plenty of land for all of our children to run free . . .

GRANDMA LORD

And our mother in law to run free. . . .

THOMAS STANTON

Yes, Grandmother Lord . . . We’ll also have land for our animals to run free, and land for our slaves to run . . . The farm. This is where we will make a name for ourselves!

ANN LORD STANTON

We will have to leave behind the glittering social whirl of Stonington.

THOMAS STANTON

Ann, I predict that our friends from far and near will soon want to join us out here. In the meantime, Mr. Garrett may know some friendly Native women who can help us.

HERMON GARRETT

Yeah, I know some friendly women! (Thomas and Ann stare at him) I mean, helpers.

ANN LORD STANTON

We can build the house of our dreams and watch the sun rise over the ocean every morning.

THOMAS STANTON

And your mother can live close . . But not too close.

GRANDMA LORD

I heard that! I’m not completely deaf, you know! And I want an outhouse less than a mile away this time!

HERMON GARRET

You don’t even have to build a new home! Quonochontaug comes complete with this brand new Native dwelling. My brother built it last year before the snows. (He points to a pile of rocks and sticks, and the Stantons stare at it) You should have seen how many we fit in here last Thanksgiving! (They continue to stare)

THOMAS STANTON

Oh look, Ann, it’s a house for your mother.

ANN LORD STANTON

We will keep this . . .house . . For it is always charming to have some relics on one’s property. Thomas, you will build us a new, larger dwelling over there.

HERMON GARRET

So, how do we feel about the deal? The seller is motivated!

ANN LORD STANTON

Who is the seller of this land, Cushawash?

HERMON GARRET

I confess that I, Wequash Cook, Sachem of the Niantic, have been given exclusive permission to sell this ancestral land to the White Man. I need the wampum right away, for my little boy has been kidnapped!

ANN LORD STANTON

Oh no! That is terrible!

GRANDMA LORD

What happened?

HERMON

Another local tribe took him, and they are demanding a quarter bushel of wampum for his safe return.

ANN LORD STANTON

I am shocked!

HERMON GARRET

Maybe it was a half bushel, I can’t quite recall.

THOMAS STANTON

And that is why you are selling this land?

HERMON GARRET

I have nothing else to sell but this land. . .this land that I own . . this land that is exclusively mine to sell . . this land that no one else knows is for sale.

THOMAS

Mr. Wequash Cushawash Garret – - -

HERMON GARRET

Or Cashawasset. My mother calls me her little Cashawasset.

GRANDMA LORD

Cushwhatever! If the Natives kidnapped your son, how can we be certain they will not kidnap my grandchildren? Thomas and Ann Stanton will be the first white settlers in these parts. Will they be safe?

HERMON GARRET

For a little extra wampum, I can guarantee your safety. I know a guy.

THOMAS STANTON

I believe we will be all right, Grandmother. Mr. Garret, we will buy Quonochontaug so you can free your son. A quarter bushel is a small price to pay to save your son’s life, and I will gladly pay it. Here you go. (He hands over a small bag)

HERMON GARRET

Well. . .there is also the issue of my commission, which is six percent. And my travel costs. And those taxes are a royal pain! I need at least one whole bushel of wampum to break even here. We’re in a recession, you know.

THOMAS

We’ll give you one half bushel, sir, or we will return to Stonington immediately and cram our ten kids into the tavern until another Native comes to us with land to sell.

HERMON GARRET

It’s a buyer’s market. SOLD! Congratulations, you are the new owners of Quonochontaug! (They shake hands)

THOMAS STANTON

I am not going to be able to pronounce that on a daily basis. If I own it, I should be able to pronounce it. Children, do you have any ideas?

STANTON KIDS (shout out ideas)

Nee-nee! BlackFishPlace! Kwaw-wee-see! Toggle! Kohn-kohn! Quon Landing! Quonnie!

ANN LORD STANTON

Quonnie? I like that. Let’s call it Quonnie. Short and sweet!

ALL

Heeeeere’s Quonnie!

THOMAS STANTON

And now, Mr. Garret, escort me to your tribal council so I may pay the wampum.

HERMON GARRET

You can just give it to me. I’ll take care of it. (he takes the wampum)

THOMAS STANTON

But I wish to introduce myself personally. Please take me there now. (he pulls the wampum back)

HERMON GARRET

Uh, the tribe is not around at the moment. They’re on . . . vacation. Can’t be reached.

THOMAS STANTON

Well, Mr. Garret, how shall I inform the Niantics that I am the new owner of their ancestral land?

HERMON GARRET

Oh . . . they’ll figure it out. ‘Bye now! (He scrams with the wampum)

SOLO/ENSEMBLE SONG: THE QUONNIE WAY OF LIFE (to the tune of McNamara’s Band)

GARRET: They call me Hermon Garrett, I’m the realtor of our tribe.

I need to raise some money for a necessary bribe.

I’ll offer these New Londoners some stolen land on trade,

By the time they learn to say the name the deal will be made.

REFRAIN: Oh, the rocks are as large as a shipping barge and the winds whip up the sail,

The waves roll by underneath the sky that matches a blue jay’s tail,

The neighbors are grand in lending a hand and there’s rarely a sign of strife.

A credit to Rhode Island, it’s the Quonnie way of life.

THOMAS: My name is Thomas Stanton, an Englishman am I,

I’m sure that I can make a fortune farming in R. I.

The family’s expanding — I have ten mouths to fill!

I need a place with room to grow and Quonnie fits the bill. REFRAIN

GRANDMA: I’m Grandma to the Stanton kids, and that’s a full time job.

I do not trust this Hermon guy, is he with the Native mob?

My son in law has made the deal and so we’re moving in.

We’re new residents of Quonnie — let the fun and games begin! REFRAIN

ANN: My name is Ann Lord Stanton, and we’re home at long last!

The housing is atrocious, sure, but I can fix it fast.

I’m happy here in Quonnie, where a person can live free,

Just Thomas, and the children, and the slaves, and Mom and me! REFRAIN

INDIANS barge in: We’re seeking Hermon Garret, he might be in disguise.

He’s making money doing trades we did not authorize.

You say he sold you Quonnie — it wasn’t his to sell!

Give us back the land that’s ours or else we’ll give you hell. REFRAIN

BARRISTER: I’ve heard from every plaintiff, from buyers big and small,

That Garret sold you stolen land, in short he fooled you all.

I’m sorry for you natives, that Garret sold you short,

But white men have the upper hand — by order of the court. REFRAIN